Waking Up From a Dream (2020)

The Story Behind

I had difficulty coming up with a title or any caption for this one. The snapdragons in the background represented deception. The original sketch came on one of my trauma attack existential dread episodes. Then she worked herself into this vibrant palette and summoned the goldfish. I went along with it, and felt super sad the whole time painting her until now.
Now it's the relief I'm feeling. I think I know what she is about now. This is an unexpected self-portrait, summarizing my life until this year. I forced myself to believe a nightmare to be a good dream my whole life. Ignoring red flags, accepting abuse. Always the good girl, but also, always the shame of the family. I refused to acknowledge the toxicity and codependency passed down through generations and almost ruined myself doing that.
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Tonight when I was streaming, one of my followers told me how presence was unbearable for him. He said every second seemed so long. He was in college, had a good major, but stressed and lost. It all sounded too familiar. It all sounded too much like myself. All I could say to him was to be patient and learn to appreciate even the smallest things everyday, and try to do his best everyday, even if sometimes this best doesn't look so good at all. I didn't know what else I can say.
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But he gave me the inspiration for this title and this caption. I'm waking up from a harmful, poisonous, deceptive dream, finally. I'm finally starting to see beyond what was forced upon me and reconstruct my own value system. I hope he will sew that someday with his own eyes too - that real world is far more beautiful than fantasies and imaginations.